Something happened lately. Something that dramatically confused every fibre of my brain and put me in a state of utter shock, embarrassment, happiness and lust. All these feelings together. Thats a lot of intensity to deal with. This post has no direction. No reason. Just a blank page in front of me and the eagerness to write. Process my thoughts into words on a computer screen and hope that those words and sentences build into an understandable idea or concept. If that makes any sense at all.
A few days ago I received a message on my phone. This was completely unexpected and seemed to flip my world upside down. I don’t want to get into the details, but somebody crawled out the woodwork after many years and reached out to me. I don’t mean this in a literal sense, I just like the poetics and imagery of somebody genuinely crawling out of some wood…
For years I disliked them, possibly. More of a frustration, in fact. Perhaps neither and I’d just convinced myself to get on with me life or not think about them at all (this idea of blanking something out of my mind and not taking the time to respectfully comprehend it and move on could explain a lot about the feelings and emotions that seemed to rush back). Besides all this going on within my brain, my phone flew out of my hand and across the room. Why? Thats the tough question. Thinking back at this outburst of athletic strength, similar to the sports in the Olympics, it was for many reasons. Mostly because I’ve been in a strange headspace these last few months as it is, why now? All the months and years that have passed, what are the chances of you wanting to talk to me now? I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago with an old friend, but this one was different. This one is special. This was the only time I can remember, ever in my life, that I didn’t actually know how I felt. Just baffled. Still am baffled.
I used to be a coward, I used to run away from problems and feelings because I had too much pride to tell somebody how I felt or whatever my issues were. Thinking hard into all the events of the past and the present, I believe this pride and ego has led to regrets I’ve got from wishing I had said certain things to people, rather than nothing at all.
I wasn’t going to be a coward this time, I went to see them. Confronted them about why they messaged me? Why they were a massive fucktard? Why they pissed me around several times for no reason? Yet the moment I looked in their eyes, it was like none of it ever mattered. Being there in that moment, with those feelings inside my gut that I didn’t know I had. Seeing what I saw in their eyes, the way they looked at me. Knowing that it was a terrible idea, knowing it would confuse me even more. Knowing they felt as confused as I did/do. I know it will end badly in some way or another for one of us, at least. However, for some reason, I don’t care. My whole life has consisted around me being a thinker, constantly thought too much, especially of the consequences. This time I don’t feel like there will be consequences. This time is just going to be chilled out, building trust and possibly something amazing.
Lately, I’ve started trying to believe in ‘living-in-the-moment’ and ‘everything happens for a reason’ theories. They’re interesting to take part in. I’ve read books, essays and listened to podcasts on the idea of the concept. I’m going to follow these ideas for a few months. This could change my life for better or worse, but the effects of how this will change me is interesting, so why not? I’ve spent 22 years holding back. I want to shoot towards the stars, not sit back and hope they fall in my hands. As cliche as that sounds, it seems to be how I feel. This is similar to how I feel with my music, why am I written songs and waiting for something to come of them? Why can’t I just get out there with a “fuck it” attitude and just go for it? Maybe because i’ve got too much pride…still….
I’d like to apologies for ranting slightly and using naughty boy language. Yet, “swear” words are only bad because people individually attach a bad meaning to them. Don’t hate me for using an open and unrestricted language.
Onwards and upwards fellow humans…
Ryan Anthony 