Birthdays

Birthdays are a strange concept to think about. The fact that they’re a yearly celebration from the date you were born is understandable. It’s the bits about how people feel about their birthdays, that’s what makes it unusual..

When I was a child, a birthday was the most exciting time to look forward to (except for Santa or the Tooth Fairy for example). The counting down to the big day, I’M GOING TO BE OLDER!! Getting presents in the morning and then celebrating with some friends and eating cake. What a day to look forward to. Thinking back, I’m not sure if I was so excited about becoming a year older or just receiving presents (possibly, just the cake). Yes that makes me sound spoilt, and I understand there are many people in the world who aren’t privileged enough and that saddens me, but I’m trying to understand my own experience of life here.

The strangest thing about the “BIG DAY” is how people respond to it. When I was younger I was excited, as explained above, it was BRILLIANT! Now I’m getting older all of my excitement happens to have evaporated. It doesn’t seem like that long ago that I was turning 18 years old. Being an English gentleman (you read that right, a gentleman), that’s a big deal, legally I could drink alcohol, or smoke cigarettes, or go into a nightclub. The important word here being ‘legally’. Basically everything that “cool kids” get up to these days, yet it didn’t change anything because I was already doing that stuff. I looked older than my age, fortunately. I was already tattooed by then too, wow that’s weird thinking back about.
Now I have realised that in less than a month I’m going to be turning 22 years old. This upsets me slightly.
No, my 18th birthday doesn’t feel that long ago, however, since then I’ve been in a wonderful relationship, got a degree, released two EPs (possibly 3, I can’t remember…), played many gigs, met some great people and learnt a lot about myself. This all makes me think. It makes me think that it must have been a long time ago, times has just come and gone too quickly.

Sometimes I think it’s best to take a step back and actually see what you’ve accomplished in a specific period of time. I had a checklist of things I wanted to achieve before I was 21 years old, hardly any of them were ticked. Yet as I mature, I realise that time doesn’t change anything. It was created by mankind, it was mankind that meant an hour had 60 minutes in it. If we changed it to 70 minutes from now on, as weeks go by, that slightest change would bring darkness to day, and light skies to night, how unusual.

Anyways, my point is, when you’re younger you get excited about growing up, birthdays are brilliant.
When you’re my age you’re a little uneasy about seeing how quickly your life is going by, comparing that to your success and getting yourself into a tangled mess.

Adults, the older generation wish that they were younger. What an unusual concept. I’ve met older people in the past who literally do not celebrate their birthdays anymore because they don’t want to come to terms with reality or how old they are. Age is what you feel! Remember?

Enjoy being young, you’re only young once. Enjoy being adventurous, find out what you enjoy or hate the hard way. Don’t become an old man or woman regretting they tried to become successful or something else. Be the old person who can sit there and say, “At least I freakin’ tried my hardest!”.

p.s. Today is an old friend birthday, I’d like to wish her a very Happy Birthday, see me soon? (<< here is a test to see if she actually stalks my blog posts or not)

Birthdays

Maybe it’s time to change..

Maybe it’s time to change, for as long as I can remember, I’ve held everything in, put on a smile and got on with it. Now I’m going insane, and starting to crack from the inside out. 

In the past year I’ve been through a rollercoaster. I finished a degree, and moved back home after 3 years building up a new life somewhere else. I’ve dealt with dramatic family changes and then relationship issues. No matter how things change, I’ve always been the person to hold it together, keep it to myself and just “try” to deal with it. Lately I’m finding that hard. Really hard.

Even if I want to sit down with someone I trust and talk to them, I can’t put myself to do it, the change from never letting emotions show to talking about them is too much. How bizarre the world can be right? Besides all of this, I’ve been trying to find the core problem to my struggles, why all of a sudden do I feel like I’m slacking? Maybe if I find the root of the issue, I can fix it and resolve things to a healthy level. A healthy level of mild insanity anyways. 

After reflections into my deep inner being, it became evident that I’m battling with emotions I haven’t had to deal with before. Changes I’ve never come close to experiencing in the past. If there was only one thing I could ask for, one wish I could have come true, it’d be to go back in time 12 months and better my actions. I’d make different choices and I like to think those choices would have put me in a better frame of mind than I am right now. 

Rounding things up, it might be time for change. Perhaps I’ve hit an obstacle I can’t beat by writing songs, typing on a blog or just out right, trying to forget. It’s currently 3am, Sunday evening/Monday morning. It’s a bank holiday so it’s acceptable, I hope. Tomorrow I’m going to embark on clearing my mind, be that a long walk or a vent of anger. Staring in a mirror with disappointment or talking to somebody about my thoughts. I’m a strong person, but maybe that’s because I’ve been backed up with some great people around me until lately. Maybe it’s time to change, immediately. Maybe always leads to more insanity…

Maybe it’s time to change..